Another Hulk Movie? WHY?

When I was growing up, my favorite old Hulk comic was the one where Spiderman tried to capture ol' Greenie for the Avengers. It was Spidey's initiation test...if he grabbed the Hulk, he'd be allowed to join in the elite crime-fighting group. It was a prestigious privilege, and Spidey wanted it badly.

But as with all good Stan Lee stories, there were emotional complications. During the fight, Spidey's opponent de-hulkalizes back into Bruce Banner, and reveals himself to be a swell guy. After that, the Webslinger no longer wants to turn him in to the Avengers, not realizing that they know all about Bruce and want to help him as well. Miscommunication and misunderstanding leave the Hulk still on the loose and Spiderman as a tormented loner, and the reader once again touched by the humanity in the story.

Folks who haven't read the classic Marvel stuff don't understand it, but for my money, some of Stan Lee's 20-pagers have more to teach about the human condition than anything by Dickens, Tolstoy, or any of them other hi-falutin' Greeks.

And don't get me started on how much better the Avengers are than their panzy DC counterparts, the Justice League. We'll save that topic for another day.

What we're talking about here is our failure to understand the wisdom of choosing Ed Norton to replace Eric Bana in the Hulk series. And why, after the Nick Nolte fiasco of the first movie, they even felt compelled to make a second attempt. And without Jennifer Connally, well, you're gonna have to work pretty hard to get me into the theatre for this one.

Seriously, Norton may be a fine, fine actor, but he's no Bill Bixby. My choice would be Hank Azaria—his character on Friends shows that he can play the milquetoast scientist easily, and he has the range to pull off the transformational bits convincingly, too. I'd go see Hank as Hulk, definitely.

I hope Lou Ferrigno has a cameo. I always liked Lou, from the first time I saw him in "Pumping Iron". He just seems like a good guy.

Bill Bixby seemed that way too, God rest his soul. I wonder how many other iconic characters he'd have created if he'd been around a few years.

Anyway, my own Hulk portrayal never made it to the cinema, but I did go to a Halloween party in the early 1980s disguised as the gamma-ray mutant. I painted all my exposed flesh green (not very consistently, alas) and even dyed my shoes green for the occasion. For the first hour of the party, none of my coworkers knew who I was, since I would only grunt and growl and gasp. (Part of that was my limited thespian abilities on display, and part of it was because it was hard to breathe in the rubber mask.) I stuffed my shirt full of wadded up paper towels to give the appearance of muscle, and do believe that some of my fellow partygoers were actually somewhat alarmed to have a bulging green maniac hulking around among the vampires, robots, and coneheads. (Yeah, coneheads. It was the early 80s, remember.)

Finally, though, the food came out, and since I couldn't eat in the mask, I was forced to reveal my true, Bruce Banner-like identity. And even though the costume was effective in disguising me, I never used it again. It took almost a week to get all the green off my skin.

Next time, I'll go as Spidey.

Have a great day!