How to Gain Three Pounds in One Weekend

Chipotle burritos are pretty tasty, and contain some reasonably healthy ingredients. But low-cal, they are not. The gigantic burrito I had on Saturday afternoon probably should've been enough to get me through the entire weekend. Maybe I could knock back an orange or an apple or something as a supplement...but I certainly didn't need to eat any more restaurant food.

Does a concession stand at a ballpark really count as a "restaurant", though? And is a ballpark hot dog really considered "food"? These questions could be pondered throughout the decades by those more philosophical than I, so for the moment I'll just go with the short answer: "Sure. Why not?"

Ya goes to the game, ya gots to eat a ballpark dog. It's an Unwritten Law that must be obeyed, just like respecting the sanctity of the "Pull my finger" gag, or telling your kids about walking to school in the snow, barefoot. So, even though I had just made a mouth-watering thick-crust pizza at home, Tanner and I opted for Coors Field weiners as our evening meal.

Here's another philosophical point to ponder: I believe that the exorbitant price of the food is part of the incentive to buy it. I think every father bonds with his son a little bit during the discussion of how criminal it is to charge $4.50 for a 24-cent hot dog. (There's also something strangely fascinating about watching the dogs roll around on those little silver cylinders as they cook. And I suspect that someone has done research proving that you sell more if you keep a few overcooked, wrinkled, Yoda-lookin' dogs rolling, just to make the others look better. Otherwise, why would they do it? It's gross.)

Tanner took his plain, but I figured that if I'm paying nearly a whole Abe for one of these babies, then I'm gonna take all the free condiments I can get. Smother that bad boy in mustard to start, and then coat that with enough ketchup to keep the yellow from showing. Then sprinkle on the onions until the whole thing looks like Devil's Tower, and walk carefully back to your seat to consume this uniquely American delicacy.

Of course, eating a tower of onions leaves you craving something to cleanse the pallate, so we went for a couple of cinnamon Tornadough treats as dessert. Soft dough baked around a stick, then slathered in butter and dipped in enough cinnamon and sugar to put the Brady Bunch into a coma -- these things are delicious! I probably gained at least a pound just looking at it.

You're probably wondering if I licked the last dregs of cinnamon off the inside of the packaging. Um, I'm not going to answer that.

Anyway, the game was fun, and my son and I left the ballpark feeling full of satisfaction, warm happy feelings of family bonding, and the artery-clogging goodness of traditional American decadence. Mmm.

Of course, there was fresh, homemade pizza waiting at home. I had to try it, didn't I? As expected, it was delicious! I had started the day with the mindset of an athlete, but I ended it as Dom DeLuise. Sigh.

On Sunday morning, I got up and went for a bike ride. I rode a little over 20 miles around Chatfield lake, and enjoyed it. I'm still getting used to being on the road after a long winter, but I was able to keep the cadence up at a reasonable level, and felt that I got a training benefit from the effort.

More homemade pizza when I finished the ride, though, so I was still on the plus side of the caloric equations as the afternoon approached. And I wasn't finished yet. My sister-in-law is involved with supporting Camp Paha, and they were having a fundraising event on Sunday evening. Not only was it for a good cause, but it was at Pasta's, where the garlic knots are sublime! Tanner and I once again got together over a meal, and had a good time. Pizza, chicken parmagiana, and garlic knots galore -- another high-calorie overindulgence, but possibly even tastier than the previous evening's hot dog treats. Yum!

Tanner and I discussed vocalists, agreeing that Bobby McFerrin and James Brown were both blessed with scary talent, but that Robert Plant is no slouch, either. I even got Tanner to agree that Frank Sinatra and his ilk were not necessarily bad, though he made it clear that such music would not be his first choice for mealtime listening. Pasta's, though, seemed to prefer Sinatra-vintage crooners as background music, eschewing Led Zep, soul dance music, and anything else that might appeal to a teenager these days. Oh well.

The bottom line is that I thoroughly enjoyed the weekend, but actually weighed 3 pounds more on Monday morning than I did on Friday. And if that isn't bad enough, there's still pizza left over. I'll try to eat less the rest of this week, but I'm going to have to exercise a lot to get back to where I was. Fortunately, we have no decadent dining plans for the Memorial Day weekend, so I might be able to maintain a more nutritionally-correct diet, and actually be able to fit into my wetsuit for next week's debut swim in the Chatfield gravel pond. I'll keep you posted.

Have a great day!