A Few Minutes With an Andy Rooney Knockoff

Didja ever notice how the weather seems to get ugly every time there's a Sheepherder's race? Is this Nature's way of telling me not to try to be a runner? Or is that what the pain in my knees is for? And why were knees designed that way in the first place; wouldn't it be more efficient if our bodies just had wheels?

And didja ever notice how annoying it is when somebody starts each whiny paragraph with "didja ever notice"? And isn't the whole whining thing pretty darned annoying all by itself? I sure think so. Still, there are occasionally things that make a person scratch his head. For example, do you see anything wrong with the return address on this piece of junk mail?


Even if you're not from around here, you may have heard of Red Rocks, a fabulous and unique natural stone amphitheatre nestled in the foothills near Morrison, Colorado. And neither the amphitheatre nor its namesake credit union are anywhere near Wilmington, Delaware.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against the good people from Delaware, and I'm sure the state itself has many beautiful natural wonders. But if you're going to promote a Colorado institution, you should definitely use a Colorado mailing address from which to spew your mailbox-clogging recyclables.

And no, this does not mean that I'm a protectionist, flat-earth, anti-globalism fanatic, either. I'm all for letting free markets work internationally, and I fully support the idea of planet-wide spread of capitalism. In fact, I've been losing money for years off my European investment mutual fund, and probably am losing money in Asian and Antarctic investments I don't even know I have. As I said, I'm all for it.

And I do have some small experience with the international marketplace. The last computer troubleshooting call I made was answered by a very polite gentleman in Bangalore, India, who did indeed solve my technical problem. But while we waited for various reboots and setting changes to take place, he engaged me in some rather surprising small talk. He asked me about the Broncos, the ski conditions, and whether I had ever visited Pikes Peak. He asked me to name my favorite movie star: I said Shahrukh Khan, but he replied that he preferred the movies of John Wayne. (Seriously. John "The Duke" Wayne. These guys had a good international telemarketing training program.)

I've also had experience from the other side of the business equation: I've sold copies of "The Shy Man's Guide" to buyers in places as diverse as Hong Kong, the Czech Republic, and Canada. (The dating scene must be rough in Canada...I sold a LOT of books up there.)

Anyway, the point is that I don't need an American Express card, and I can't imagine ever wanting to join AARP, either. I don't need coupons to Ulta (whatever the heck that is), nor invitations to see a timeshare presentation for a golf course that was built on the former site of a toxic waste dump. I don't need a new Chase credit card every two weeks, and the reason I haven't purchased phone service from Comcast is that I don't want it...not that I simply haven't received enough flyers about it yet.

In other words, don't send me junk mail, OK?

Or if you do, at least make the return address match the location of the company. Geez.

And if you're not in the business of filling my mailbox with garbage, well, then, have a great day!