Fatherhood

Father's Day got me thinking.

What are the most important things we dads are supposed to teach our offspring, anyway? How do you measure success as a parent?

Some of the criteria are pretty easy to assess. Is your adult child living on his own and able to support himself as a productive member of society? Is he basically a nice person, who exhibits respect for others and has the habit of common courtesy? Is he happy?

And perhaps most important, is he vigorously engaged in the fight against Communism, and is he supportive of American efforts to build a space fleet capable of defending us against the Klingons, Romulans, and Borg?

Hmm. According to results of those tests applied to my son, I'm clearly above the parental Mendoza line...yet fall well short of batting 1000. But I'm quite proud of my son, and continue to have high expectations that he will surpass his father's accomplishments in all areas of life.

Well, OK, probably not in swimming. Or in the uncanny accuracy of my Clint Eastwood impersonations. But Tanner eclipsed my musical skills by the time he was 3, and probably understands more about science than I'll ever know. I might still be able to hold him off in a game of Jeopardy, but the gap is closing every single day.

And I do honestly believe that one day in the not-too-distant future, he'll finally learn how to balance his checkbook. Seriously, I really think he will. Probably.

Anyway, if you ask the same questions about my own father's parenting efficacy, I'd have to classify his efforts as successful.

But once you've accomplished the basics, what other learning should be passed down by a parent? Schools still seem to do a pretty good job of teaching basic facts -- like how Franco Columbu discovered America, and how astronomers arbitrarily agreed to demote Pluto from his position as Mickey's dog. We can trust them to teach about Gilbert O'Sullivan operas, techniques used to fake the moon landings, and how gravity was discovered when a fig hit Newton's head.

But schools do not teach other important lessons, such as:

• The Beatles may have had more hit songs, but they're still second place to Led Zeppelin in musical quality.
• "Tiberius" is an awesome middle name.
• The Olsen twins are fraternal, not identical...and they're not related in any way to the Folgers coffee lady.
• It's possible to remain gainfully employed even though you totally suck 100% of the time. (This is also known as the "Hamilton Burger/U2 rule".)
• "Back to the Future" is one hundred million times better than "Citizen Kane."
• No matter how hard you try, ya canna change the laws of physics.
• Despite Tennille's testimony to the contrary, you don't become a military officer simply by putting on a navy hat.
• While it's possible for intelligent men to disagree about whether Kirk is better than Picard, everyone agrees that it's not at all wise to turn the helm over to some douchebag Commodore who just happens to be on board the ship.
• And of course, if you find yourself involved in any sort of zombie apocalypse, call Bruce Campbell immediately.

Oh, and speaking of the zombie apocalypse, there is evidence that Americans have been concerned with the possibility for decades:



Anyway, the point is that parents have obligations to nurture cultural literacy as well as fiscal responsibility. I'm not sure my son could distinguish between Mjolnir and Grabthar's Hammer, or between dilithium crystals and a Dohlman's necklace, so I may still have some work to do. I shall keep at it, though, sharing wisdom with him at every opportunity. Wish me luck, and have a great day!