Evolution

The theory known as "Darwin's Bane" postulates that certain facets of evolution are halted when a species develops technology. My son Tanner's very existence is a testimonial to this idea. Without the science of optics and the development of vision correction tools, my poor eyesight would've ensured my disappearance from the gene pool long before I sired any offspring. I might have been eaten by a puma, bitten by a rattlesnake, or (most likely) just walked over a cliff because I couldn't tell for sure where the path ended and the plunge began.

And even if I wasn't completely erased due to visual incompetence, I probably wouldn't have been able to make a living with graphics skills. And as an unemployed myope, I would've been even less attractive to females, and thus would've reached the end of my family line.

The weird thing is that Tanner's eyesight is pretty good. Hmm. Perhaps there are still beneficial mutations occurring to advance the race, despite contact lenses, wheelchairs, and blood pressure medicines that allow us to cheat Nature.

Or perhaps I'm not really his father. He is smart, talented, and good looking, after all...which would seem to contradict genetic expectations. On the other hand, whenever his mom gets mad at him for some aberrant behavior, she always complains to me by saying "He's just like you!"

But I digress. The point I was planning to make is that I hate birds.

Oh, c'mon, don't get all Greenpeace on me. I'm not saying that all winged creatures need to be expunged. Heck, I like seeing eagles and hawks cruising around in the sky when I'm hiking in the foothills. It's actually fun to watch them eat prairie dogs and voles and stuff. And I certainly don't object to the existence of chickens and turkeys; there's some good eatin' there.

But if you were to ask me to justify the existence of city birds (pigeons, sparrows, magpies, woodpeckers, etc), I would be completely at a loss. They are totally annoying.

And here's where my "Darwin's Bane" protest comes into play. Every morning, the stupid sparrows outside my condo start chirping like an Oprah audience, starting at about 3:45am. If technology hadn't advanced civilization to the point where people make up rules for living in neighborhoods, those annoying pre-dawn chirps would spell certain death for these birds. If I was a caveman trying to get my sleep before a hard day of hunting antelope, I'd start hurling rocks and spears at the trees at the first hint of this inane warbling. Either the birds would become my breakfast...or they'd evolve the wisdom to stay silent. (Or perhaps they'd just move to some other location.)

But NOOOO...evolution apparently can't be allowed to operate within the city limits. You start hucking projectiles at any animal noisemakers at 4am, and pretty soon you'll find yourself on television, sitting in the back of a squad car wearing nothing but your underwear and a set of handcuffs. Sigh.

I'm not arguing that we should eschew technology and disband civilization in the interest of evolutionary progress. I'm just saying that maybe we should set aside a week each spring where we all agree to apply preventive measures to ensure full nights of restful sleep throughout the summer. I'll let others debate the details of what methods would be most effective (deployment of feline enforcers among the tree limbs, strategic application of high-velocity buckshot, electric barbed wire strung throughout potential nesting areas, etc), but I'm quite certain that the challenge is nothing compared to what we've already overcome with the invention of things like bifocals and microwave ovens.

In the meantime, I guess I can just go to bed earlier--so that when the chirping starts, I'll have already accumulated my eight hours of sleep. Or I could just wear earplugs.

If you have any better ideas, please let me know. In the meantime, I hope you'll get all the sleep you need. Have a great day!