Classics

Extra bonus trivia question: Which panel of this picture has a connection to Olympic Gold Medalist Mark Spitz?

As for yesterday's topic, it appears we have consensus on several elements required for classic television. One is "interesting characters with interesting relationships". Panel 1 shows Dr. McCoy undergoing a potentially fatal mind-enhancement procedure to absorb the knowledge necessary to perform brain surgery on Mr. Spock. Although Spock and McCoy constantly insult and belittle each other, their relationship is in reality a close and caring one. Neither would hesitate for a single second to risk his life for the other.

Of course, you could point out that they're Star Fleet officers, and would therefore risk their lives for any crewmate (or civilian for that matter)...and that brings up another topic that often feeds into the classics: heroic behavior. We may explore that topic in more depth in some future discussion, but for now, let's just say that it's an element that inspires viewer interest and connection.

While Wally and Eddie may not go as far as risking their lives for each other, they certainly do go out of their way to look out for each other. "Leave it to Beaver" definitely spotlights the values of friendship and caring. And decency.

But how do those elements fit into Green Acres? Well, I think it's pretty obvious we have interesting characters. There's not a single person on that show who isn't blessed with a completely unique set of personality traits. From Arnold Ziffel to Sam Drucker, each Hootersvillian brings his own style and charm to the group. And though Oliver often expresses frustration during his interactions with his neighbors, you just know he wouldn't trade his farm life for anything. He loves the land and what it produces, and he also loves the people who appreciate the wonders that shoost forth from the soil. Why, I can almost hear the fife playing just thinking about it.

And of course, no discussion of Green Acres would be complete without acknowledging the value of good writers. The dialog consistently sparkles, and despite being a bit bizarre at times, the conversations always seem true and sincere.

Some have theorized that the character of Cyrano Jones (the guy who sold tribbles) was based on Mr. Haney, but I am unable to confirm this. I'm pretty sure, though, that Wesley Crusher was modeled after Eb.

Anyway, that brings us to the last panel. Dragnet definitely showcases heroism, decency, and good writing. And although you don't really get the impression that Friday and Gannon are the kinds of friends who take family vacations together, you certainly see the strong bond they have as a working team.

And that brings us to our swimming connection. Jack Webb was not only an outstanding actor, but also an accomplished producer. With partner R. A. Cinader, he brought us a show called "Emergency", which offered Mark Spitz his first acting opportunity. You see, after his Olympic triumphs, Spitz was courted for his potential as "the next Weissmuller". Both Weissmuller and Buster Crabbe had successful acting careers after achieving fame as champion swimmers...and Spitz had the handsome face and bounteous mustache that could easily catapult him into the ranks of athletic Hollywood legends. There was talk of a new Tarzan franchise, possible Westerns, or maybe some sci-fi roles.

The only problem was that Spitz couldn't act. At all. Webb gave him a shot on Emergency, but even us hardcore swim fans came away from that show saying "Spitz is terrible!" I wish I could find the clip on YouTube to show you how absolutely abysmal his performance was, but I guess for now you'll just have to take my word for it. It might have been the worst celebrity cameo ever!

And that kinda gets me close to the last "classic" TV element I wanted to mention. For a show to become a classic, it cannot rely on an idiot to be the main plot driver. The utter stupidity of Gilligan, Darren Stevens, Laverne and Shirley, et al may be amusing enough to keep their shows on the air for a fairly long run, but since the plots couldn't exist if even ONE of the show's characters had an ounce of sense, it becomes impossible to explore the grand themes that enable shows like Star Trek to embed themselves into our very souls.

Seriously, don't you think the Professor would've poisoned Gilligan the very first time his pinheadedness wrecked a rescue? Don't you think Endora would've turned Durwood into a newt, despite Samantha's protestations? (Actually, I suspect Sam would've turned him into a newt herself. The guy's a total dweeb-a-saurus.)

And don't go throwing Jethro Bodine at me, either. First of all, his initials stand for "Boy Jeenius", and he does have a sixth grade edjykayshun, so his superiority to Gilligan is documented beyond argument. But more importantly, the daily lives of the Clampett-Drysdale consortium are interesting on their own merits, and provide fuel for drama and humor even without Jethro's forays into double-naught spying or fry-cookery. His occasional deviations from conventional thought processes truly do show creativity and free thinking, and often enhance or enrich the lives of those around him. Gilligan's every action, on the other hand, causes widespread destruction and threatens the existence of all the island's inhabitants. There's no comparison. Jethro's cool -- Gilligan sucks.

Anyway, that leads me to my next question for you: "Which TV character do you think is most like you?"

I feel a kinship with Jethro, of course, because we both have that misunderstood jeenius thing going on. But he's a handsome strapping lad and a millionaire international playboy, while I'm just a poor average swimmer doofus. At the same time, I feel a kinship with Mr. Spock in that I recognize how illogical humans can be (more about that tomorrow), and also have a connection with Hank Kimball in that I understand what it's like to have your friends suggest Ralph Monroe as your perfect romantic match. But none of those is my true doppelganger; I'll have to give it more thought.

But dude, iIf you think you're an exact clone of James Tiberius Kirk, then don't bother responding -- I already can tell you that you're delusional. (Captain Pike? Well, maybe.) But if you think you're the spitting image of Theo Huxtable, Cliff Clavin, or perhaps Al Borland's mom, then definitely let me know. In the meantime, have a great day!