Insomnia

I saw the ear doctor on Saturday. They looked inside my head and found nothing.

But apparently I'm not the only person who has ever complained of campfire noises in his head when no visible signs of infection (or infestation) exist. In the absence of evidence, the recommended course of action is to prescribe some caustic chemical and hope for the best. So guess what they gave me?

That's right...more steroids.

I'm pretty good about taking my vitamins every night, but these pills had a different schedule; somehow I got confused and missed my noon appointment. I got home last night and realized that I was a dose behind. The medication instructions were quite explicit about the importance of adhering to the timetable. The best I could do would be to down the pills right after supper.

Aye, but here's the rub -- the instructions also note IN CAPITAL LETTERS that this stuff is NOT to be taken in the evening. May cause insomnia.

I took 'em anyway, and then hopped in the sack. And guess what? I couldn't sleep.

I'm reasonably sure I was primarily suffering from a placebo effect, since I felt no other symptoms beside the inability to snooze. I would expect drug-induced sleeplessness to be accompanied by jitters, hallucinations, or night sweats...something. But no, I was quite comfortable, and my thoughts churned around perfectly normal topics. As I waited for the nightime seconds to agonizingly tick by, I pondered such things as the following:

• Are there any side effects from ear medications that would be, like, totally awesome? Something like a temporary Frank Zappa mustache, or Rainman toothpick counting skills?


• Do the French enjoy Clouseau movies? Or is it just Jerry Lewis? And was Jerry Lewis related to Jerry Lee Lewis? And does having Lee as a middle name (and using it with your other names) automatically make you seem like a redneck?


• If you regularly put Valium in his food, would a badger be a good housepet?


• And of course, the eternal question every man asks of himself -- Would I be more popular with the ladies if I talked like Patrick Stewart? "Make it so!"

At some point, I did fall asleep. But by the time I woke up, it was too late to get to the gym for a workout. That's OK, I guess; I had a tough track practice with my brother last night, and can make up for it later in the week. I plan to work really hard this weekend so I can completely appreciate the coming taper.

And I only have a few of these pills left, so I ought to be able to stick to the prescribed schedule for the remainder of medication regimen. And by the way -- the phantom ear noises do seem to have abated. I expect to sleep well tonight.

I'll let you know. In the meantime, have a great day!