Things That Go Bump in the Night

Happy Valentine's Day!

I hope everyone has remembered to shower affection upon your loved ones today. Of course, it's important to tell those you care about how much they mean to you more than just once a year -- in fact, we should really share those thoughts and feelings every single day. But today is a good day to do something extra-special to demonstrate your caring and adoration to those you love the most.

It is also a good day for manufacturers and distributors of chocolate products. And it's probably a big day for the people who make heart-shaped boxes, too (though they probably don't get the same recognition as the chocolatiers.)

As you know, chocolate is Nature's Most Perfect Food; it provides many health and fitness benefits. The problem is that chocolate often surrounds substances that are NOT quite so good for us, and when we consume entire boxes of Valentine candies in a single sitting, we are probably tipping the scales toward the negative side of the health and weight-loss equation. This is sad, because I really do like to indulge in the occasional dark-coated confection. There were years in the past where I would storm the groceries stores on February 15th to pick up entire buggies full of half-price chockies, consuming them in short order thereafter.

But alas, that was when my metabolism was set to "hummingbird". Nowadays, each 1-ounce candy seems to defy the laws of mass conservation—it somehow converts itself into an entire pound of additional ballast around my midsection. And since I'm attempting to do what it takes to become a better runner, excess mass is something I'm trying to avoid. Therefore, I shall eschew tomorrow's sale merchandise and will instead consume my normal daily fuels such as oatmeal, bananas, and salad greens.

Sigh.

Anyway, if you're ever in Canton, Ohio, be sure to stop by Heggy's Candy store. They also ship during the winter, so check out the website at www.heggys.com. It's an ugly website, but amazingly good chocolate.

So, did you recognize the photo at the top of this post? Can you tell me what movie it's from?

(No, it's not from the "Thriller" music video, though that's a good guess.)

I chose that graphic because it represents the concept of "scary", which relates to today's main topic. You see, I was shocked out of a sound sleep last night by two separate loud noises. The first one woke me up, and the second came about 1 second later. Of course, one's first thought in such circumstances is always "Omigod, it's JarJar Binks coming to get his revenge!" But then you remember that JarJar was convicted and justifiably executed a long time ago in a galaxy far far away...so it couldn't be him. Does that mean, then, that it's really Florence Henderson on another goulish rampage?

Hmm. The noises were crashing sounds, as if a chair had tipped over, twice. Nothing tinkly like breaking glass or dishes, just ker-whunk type sounds. Seemed to come from the bathroom. As the adrenaline kicked my brain into gear, I assessed the rational possibilities. An intruder? Not likely, since an intruder probably wouldn't be tossing furniture in my bathroom. Some cacauphonous event occuring in the adjacent apartment? Perhaps, since I can't help but occasionally overhear that they subscribe to the "volume is more effective than reason" philosophy of conflict resolution. In any case, an investigation would be required before I'd be able to go back to sleep.

I am pleased to report that it was not a rabid badger, nor was it a spherical sparking time portal delivering a naked Michael Biehn. It was not Satan, nor his twin minions Rosie O'Donnell and Roseann Barr. It was not an old girlfriend, nor any of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders violating their restraining orders. It was not spontaneous combustion of Nyquil that was 4 years past its expiration date, nor was it Nikita Kruschev misunderstanding the proper use of footwear. It was merely the combined effects of entropy and gravity.

My shower curtain rod had fallen. It appeared that the initial unfastening dropped it to the point of momentary entanglement in the flexible hose attached to the showerhead, which then gave way to complete the tumble to the tub floor. The curtain ended up in a semi-Hitchcockian array, draped across the edge of the tub and onto the linoleum. It was really rather artistic. I briefly considered attempting a repair, but quickly decided that it could wait. Thus satisfied that there had been no security breach and that no personal harm was imminent, I went back to bed.

Surprisingly, I don't recall any dreams from the remainder of the night. I woke up refreshed and alert, ready for a good workout. I suppose that there's some unwritten homeowner rule that one should check the integrity of shower curtain rods each time you replace the batteries in the smoke detectors, but I had never seen the need to do so...until now. But you may rest assured that I'll verify that it's firmly affixed to the wall before I retire tonight.

In any case, I hope that you celebrate your VD (Valentine's Day...probably not the world's most appropriate event for conversion to an acronym, is it?) in a most romantic and delightful way, and that your sleep tonight is uninterrupted and restful. Have a great day!