The Wild West Show

One of my neighbors has a "PETA" bumper sticker. On first glance, I assumed he was one of those folks who pickets the "Seasonal" aisle at the grocery store to protest the sale of insect repellants, etc...but upon closer examination, I saw that the small print explained that PETA stood for "People Eating Tasty Animals". He was probably one of the thousands of folks I saw last weekend at the National Western Stock Show.

Let's face it -- the show does indeed contain a lot of American history tribute material, with displays about Native American arts, malachite jewelry, and (for some reason) Amazing Steam Mops and Never-Go-Dull cutlery...but the real point of the whole enterprise is to celebrate the meat production industry. There is some SERIOUS beef on display there.

I attended the Stock Show on Saturday with some of my best friends (pictured above), and had a great time. There is incredible entertainment value to be had from just wandering around and soaking in the visual and olfactory stimulation. But we also had tickets to the "Wild West Show" in the evening. (More about that in a minute.)

Even though I grew up in Kansas, and spent many a day milking cows and riding tractors on my Grandad's farm, I can't say I ever really adopted the agricultural industry as an integral component of my internal makeup. I sorta like the smell of cows (and their, um, byproducts), but I think this is just because it's a sensory callback to happy memories of my youth. I can't say I really relate to the beasts themselves. I do enjoy a good hamburger now and then -- and I love ground beef on my tacos, but have never developed a taste for steak, roast, or prime rib. And as for appreciating cattle from an aesthetic standpoint, well...no.

OK, that's not entirely true: I do enjoy the antics of the cows in the Chik-Fil-A commercials, and I think that a good "moo" can be almost musical if delivered with enough passion. But I have to say that the grooming rituals I witnessed at the stock show are baffling at best, and possibly even a bit disturbing.

They were fluffing up the cow fur (hair?) with blow dryers! And using afro combs to rat the tips of their tails into big white balls. One ambitious youth was even mousseing up a mohawk along his cow's spine!

Seriously, what's up with that? I can totally dig admiring a cow for how large and meaty it is, but when they start tarting it up with Mary Kay and Vidal Sassoon products, then I get a little bit creeped out. Thank goodness I didn't see anyone applying lip gloss or eyeliner. Geez.

But the vendor booths are a hoot! There are plenty of displays for milking pens, barbed-wire fences, and genetically-engineered grain products...as well as boots, gloves, belts, and buckles the size of Rhode Island. These things make sense in a Western show environment, but what fascinates me are all the booths for homemade slushy makers, salad spinners, and Egyptian bedsheets; things that you don't necessarily connect with life on the prairie. And then there are all the falafels and caramel apples and carcinogens-on-a-stick that you can buy for higher-than-airport prices...and it's all absolutely delightful!

I spent $18 for a chicken sandwich, a few beans, and some cole slaw on a paper plate. I don't know if the high price affected my perception of its quality, but I thought it was yummy! And after a small $6 frozen non-dairy confection cone, I was happy and utterly at peace. Time for the Wild West Show!

As we waited for the show to begin, we were serenaded with some authentic cowboy music, sung by a feller who had the requisite fringes on his shirt, six-guns at his side, and kerchief around his neck. I say that it was authentic, because I imagine he sounded pretty much like what you could expect to hear if you were in the middle of an Oklahoma cattle drive and were forced to listen to one of your fellow cowpunchers belt out a few songs around the campfire after a long day on the trail and nuthin' but beans fer supper: Three chords, repetitive lyrics about tumbleweeds, and a timid uncertainty about whether the song is finished or not.

I bet cowboy life woulda been a lot better with iPods.

Anyway, the show itself was entertaining enough, and featured a variety of acts. There was a Will Rogers impersonator doing rope tricks and trying to woo the audience with compliments about Tim Tebow. (Hint: Stick with straight cowboy jokes; not everyone there was a Tebow fan.) There were a bunch of trained animal acts, including a horse that responded to nothing but voice commands and even jumped into the back of a pickup truck while it was moving. There was some impressive (and downright scary) stunt riding by the Westernaires (who locals know from seeing them holding out their donation boots at King Soopers). And a really exciting "chuck wagon" race. I still don't know if the wagon's axle falling off was part of the script or not, but the contraption still moved pretty fast on just one set of wheels.

There was a teeny tiny horse:



A bunch of Cossacks:



And even a couple of Brahma bulls that could roll over and play dead:



As I said, I did enjoy the show. But there were a few things I'd probably do differently if I were the director. For one thing, I'd use somebody who sounded like Rex Allen to be the narrator, rather than a guy who sounds like a Top 40 DJ. And I'd ask the Native American dancers to explain how they keep from falling over from dizziness after spinning in the same direction for 15 minutes. (I'd also choose music that didn't remind me quite so much of Riverdance in its monotony. But it did make me think that it would be interesting to take one of these guys and put him in a room with Michael Flatley, and, you know, see what happens.) Anyway, here are some brief video highlights:



One more thing that's not really related to anything else: I suspect it's unusual for any of us to remember the very first time we heard a particular word. But when I ran across a taxidermy booth and saw the critter pictured here, I was struck with a vivid memory of my first exposure to the word "puma". I probably remember it because I was being entertained by a musical story, but without knowing exactly what a puma was, I became somewhat annoyed that my mind couldn't provide the appropriate visual to flesh out the tale within my head. I vowed to look up the definition as soon as that particular TV show was over, and I've never forgotten it. Please enjoy this enlightening moment from my youth, and have a great day! (Oh, and if you didn't click on the shirt link, well, you should.)