Resolutions

OK, back to work.

I have to confess that I didn't spend a whole lot of time thinking about work since the day before Christmas. I like my job a lot, and consider myself a devoted employee...but I'm perfectly capable of setting it all aside when I'm not in the office. When I'm swimming, hiking, or playing Jeopardy with the Swedish Bikini Team, etc, I am rarely distracted by random thoughts of the duties awaiting me back at my desk. So after a long and wonderful holiday break, I find myself unsure of exactly where I left off, and what specific tasks are at the top of my priority list. I'm sure I'll figure it out as I re-immerse myself in my role of corporate drone, but at the moment I'm afraid I'm a tad unfocused.

Oh well, nothing like the crack of the employer's whip to reboot the ol' brain cells, eh? I'm sure I'll be fine. First, though, I'd like to take a moment to review a couple of items. The first announcement is that Waterton Canyon is now scheduled to open on March 1, weather permitting.

"Weather permitting" means that they really have no idea when they're going to finish up, and that I'd better not plan on using the canyon for my spring running training. I need to look for other options. Any suggestions?

Second, I feel mildly obligated to report on the status of my 2011 New Years Resolutions. I'll post my 2012 Resolutions later this week, but before I generate them, I should probably take a look at how well I did on my last set. They were:

• Refrain from singing "Surfin' Bird" during staff meetings.


• Check into bionic replacement parts for the honked-up ankle that makes me such a lousy runner.


• Write entertaining blogs without relying so heavily on obscure Star Trek references.


• Forgive the Irish for the abomination that is U2.


• Reconsider Spielberg's offer to play Indiana Jones in his upcoming remake of "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes".


• Continue my tireless crusade against the evils of communism, email spammers, and Cirque du Soleil.


• Play guitar more, complain less.


• Learn how to spell M. Night Shamalam, er, Shaymalian, er...whatever.


• Be a better swim coach...which means creating tougher workouts and designing harsher punishments for the slackers. Strive for 2011 to be known as "The Year of the 400 Butterfly".

Here's my report card:

Surfin' Bird restraint -- A+. (I'm pleased to report that I also had zero occurences of "It's a Small World" and "Muskrat Love". There were the occasional choruses of "Don't Fear the Reaper", but let's face it -- that one is often quite appropriate at staff meetings.)

Bionics -- C. I wasn't able to procure any nuclear-powered titanium joints, nor was I able to increase my range of motion despite repeated thinking about how I ought to be doing some stretching. But so far, my plan of running shorter distances more regularly seems to be delivering results. My running feels better than it has in a long time.

Speaking of which, I did join the USMS "Go the Distance" challenge, which features a "flog" (fitness log) section that provides a place to record all of your workouts. I'm planning to try to track my training, and thereby pick up the free stuff they give you when you reach certain milestones. The first award (a swim cap) comes when you've swum 50 miles, which I ought to be able to bang out in a couple of weeks.

Star Trek References -- D. OK, let's face it, everybody loves obscure Star Trek references. And seriously, if you can think of a way to discuss modern society without referring to Kirk, Spock, et al, well I'd like to hear about it. This was a misguided resolution to begin with, and should never have made my list. I can say with confidence that 2012's bloggery shall have as many Star Trek references as Khan has muscles. As for the blogs being entertaining, well, I'm sure there was at least one chuckle for every hair on Picard's head and one belly laugh for every Klingon who loves Tribbles.

Forgive the Irish -- B. I didn't run afoul of a single Irishman in 2011. I still prefer fingernails on a chalkboard to listening to U2, but I am no longer involved in the "Nuke Ireland" movement. (Actually, I may have confused that with the "Nuke Iran" movement anyway. But seriously, other than Iceland, are there any countries that start with "I" that anyone would miss?)

Killer Tomatoes -- Incomplete. In only takes two words to completely explain the tragic fate of the Indiana Jones franchise: Shia LeBouf.

Crusading for Good -- B-. I have not relented in my efforts to rid the world of these evils, but the results are not what I had hoped. I still get something like 400 spam emails each day, Cirque du Soleil is planning a show based on the cinema career of Gerard Depardeau, and Marxists are still whittling away at the foundations of capitalism. I'm hoping to see a return to American principles when November's election throws out the bums responsible for the decline of our society...but until then I can't say that we've made much progress. However, the fight goes on.

Guitar -- B+. My musical skills still don't quite measure up to Milli Vanilli or Jean Hagen, but I'm still working on it. And having fun!

Shamalamadingdong -- F. Um, I have no idea. But fortunately, nobody cares about this one.

Coaching cruelty -- B-. We have done a bit more fly, but I did not achieve my goal of making somebody cry at each and every workout. This will continue to be a work in progress throughout 2012. I'm also working on my maniacal laughter to help motivate the athletes. Bwahhh haaa haa ha!

Overall, I guess it wasn't a bad year. But next year will be better, I'm sure. Let me know if you have any suggestions for resolutions I should include in my upcoming list. In the meantime, have a great day!