Lost Weekend

I was talking with my friend Russ about people who were well suited to their jobs. He was telling me about a fellow he frequently sees driving a forklift around campus; the guy always has an ear-to-ear grin on his face. We figured he was the kid who picked up a Tonka bulldozer in the sandbox and was imprinted for life. He never had to hesitate when someone asked what he wanted to be as a grownup. "I wanna drive heavy equipment! I wanna lift stuff, push stuff, and move stuff around!" You could see the sparkle in his eye and feel the love he has for his chosen profession.

Some people do indeed find their calling as adults, and make the world a better place through application of their talents and dreams. I've known a few other guys like that: My buddy Cary, for instance -- he's a fantastic engineer because he sees the world entirely in terms of design tradeoffs. On his days off from work, he builds stuff. He does calculations for fun, and looks at everything in terms of how to make it function more effectively.

Then there's my pal Joe. If you ever have a 10-minute conversation with him, you'll know beyond a doubt that he's a top-notch computer programmer. He's all about the data, and how it fits together. If it weren't for his ultra-sharp sense of humor, you might mistake him for Mr. Spock (well -- perhaps if Mr. Spock were also a serious triathlete, anyway.)

I envy people like that. How perfect would it be to have a job that lines up with your aptitudes and passion? I, on the other hand, have spent most of my adult life earning money for performing jobs that are a loose fit, at best. Oh sure, I'm competent at what I do, but I've always felt that my true talents have not been applied (or of much use to) my daily remunerated labors.

So, what would be my dream job, anyway? If you've followed my blog for very long, you probably have some good ideas about that—And if you said "Official Massage Therapist for the Swedish Bikini Team", you'd be correct.

Well, no...not really. Might be fun, but I doubt if I'd be very good at it. I'm not even sure where Switzerland is, for one thing...and I don't speak Swahili—so there would definitely be cultural obstacles to overcome. Not that I wouldn't give it a try if offered the position...

But this weekend, I was reminded of another profession in which I would undoubtedly excel. I'm sure I've written about it before, but I think I would be a fantastic Usability Tester. Just give me a product to try, and I can quickly point out ways for the manufacturer to improve the item. (Or if you prefer a more cynical phrasing of the same concept: I could point out all the ways the @#$!* morons screwed up in designing it.)

I spent the entire weekend struggling with an abomination called the iMac.

Now before you go all Mayor Mac-Cheese on me and start questioning my IQ and ancestry, let me publicly admit that I recognize the Unquestioned Genius of Mr. Steve Jobs. I am completely willing to concede that he could pummel me in a chess match, or solve equations that would baffle Matt Damon and leave me in tears. He can probably speak Klingon, bake a pie from scratch, and juggle Fabergé eggs while quoting Proust. I can barely manage English, regularly burn toast, and cut myself shaving with an electric razor. I will not argue these points, nor will I argue that the iMac is not a gorgeous piece of equipment. Aesthetically, it makes the Mona Lisa look like a used birdcage liner.

But if you ask me how much I enjoyed my first weekend of trying to get work done on the Apple monstrosity, the answer is simple: Not at all.

I spent the entire weekend trying to finish a veteran's video for the APHA. That was the entire point of getting the Mac, after all -- to be able to crank out videos quicker. But after dozens of hours of hair pulling and teeth gnashing, I found myself approaching Monday with bleary eyes, potential ulcers, and not a whit of progress made toward burning the DVD I needed. I'm not sure if it's programmer incompetence, Apple arrogance, or some sort of personal vendetta that Jobs has initiated against me...but the Mac video editing and DVD authoring software have frustrated me greatly.

Yes, I know that the "Apple way" is to make everything clean and simple. And I suppose it is. But sometimes you just want "functional". And that, my friends, was much more difficult to find. What good is "gorgeous" if it doesn't stinkin' work. (And no, I'm not talking about the Bikini Team here -- what is your obsession with that topic, anyway? Geez.)

Anyway, the point of this post is not to list the dazzling array of missing features, poorly-handled interface opportunities, or counter-intuitive naming conventions. Nor is it to detail all of the "Click here to pay another $29 to get the feature that any rational person would assume was included" message boxes that popped up. No, the point of this blog is to state that if Apple wants to learn how to make customers far more happy (and probably sell a lot more of these devil machines), I would be delighted to sell them my list of "Suggestions for Dramatic Product Improvement" compiled throughout my weekend of labors lost.

(Of course, you'd think they'd hire their own usability testers before tossing the product out into the marketplace, but obviously did not.) If any of you, Dear Readers, have a product whose functionality and user-friendliness you'd like to verify, feel free to give me a call. I'm well-suited for the job...and I work cheap.

Have a great day!