Goin' to the Dentist

Are there any introverted dental hygienists?

I suspect that you'd have to thrive on human contact to be attracted to professions such as dental hygiene or hairstyling. I could be wrong—it might be part of their college curriculum to practice small-talk skills, and to perfect the art of being friendly while you're scraping gunk off molars or trying to style Rosie O'Donnell into a Jennifer Aniston.

Of course I'd rather feel that the pointed instruments inside my mouth are being wielded by a friendly soul than by an antisocial cellar dweller. But at the same time, whenever I have an approaching dental appointment, I always think about how difficult it is to hold a conversation while having your teeth cleaned.

But think about it: If you're an extroverted hygienist, wouldn't it be frustrating to have spitting, swallowing, and suction hoses interrupting every single conversation you have all day long? It's more disruptive than dealing with a crummy cell phone connection...and on top of that, it's gotta be kinda gross.

That's why Stephen Hawking would be the perfect dental patient. He could hold an absolutely fascinating conversation with his hygienist throughout any procedure...even while getting a filling. And he comes with his own chair. How cool is that?

That's probably what I'll be thinking about when I'm tilted back with my mouth open and the light in my eyes. Quantum physics and the origin of the Universe. And after I leave the dentist's office, I'll be thinking about what I'm going to eat for lunch. Something about having squeaky clean teeth always seems to make me hungry. Oh well.

I'm pretty sure they're going to schedule me to complete the filling replacement process we started a few years ago. Since most of my fillings were originally installed when Ron Howard still had hair, my dentist is gradually replacing them all with the sturdier and more attractive non-metal composites. It'll be good to have all modern fillings, even though the procedure itself is not something I'm particularly looking forward to. Especially if they want to have a conversation with me while they're working.

We'll see. In the meantime, I expect to once again be complimented on my excellence with flossing, and on my robustly healthy gums. And I'll proudly take home my new complimentary toothbrush and mini-tube of Crest. Should be a pretty good way to start the day. You have a great one, too!