Save the Whales

I spent part of the Memorial Day weekend watching MeTV (the oldies channel.) Obviously, shows like Star Trek and Svengoolie are the primary attraction, but I also find that I would rather watch Adam 12 than most of the current batch of police dramas. I mean, I like Vince D'Onofrio just fine...but I find that it's more pleasant to listen to a Jack Webb soliloquy about obeying the rules than it is to spend an hour exploring the scary dark caverns of the Criminal Mind.

And other than the fact that all the pot-smoking delinquents wear neckties and pressed slacks, Adam 12 and its classmates hold up pretty well even today. The only thing that might be a bit jarring for today's audiences is that Reed and Molloy often use the victim's rotary-dial telephone to check in with the Precinct.

Anyway, the thing that struck me was the demographic assumptions you can deduce from the advertising. There are no Red Bull or Michelob commercials on this channel. Instead, it appears that I belong to a group of people who desperately need knee braces, motorized wheelchairs, burial insurance, and personal injury lawyers.

And apparently, we are also highly susceptible to manipulative anthropomorphism. A lot of people must respond to those "sad puppy" ASPCA ads, or they wouldn't be running them every few minutes. If I'm understanding them correctly, they're saying that if everyone in the country would just commit to donating $18 every month, the ASPCA would promise to stop beating all those cuddly animals right before videotaping them.

Hey, what kind of a monster wouldn't respond to that sort of appeal?

I dunno, maybe I'm too analytical. When they say "In the next minute, another animal will be neglected," I can't help but think "Dudes, I am totally neglecting the birds in the tree outside my bedroom window, yet they somehow manage to have the strength to chirp the Hallelujah Chorus at tornado-siren volume every single morning at 3:40am." They do just fine without having access to my checkbook.

I believe there is a hierarchy of human obligation to the animal kingdom. While I think it is indeed a noble and fulfilling thing to pet a fuzzy ferret or cuddle with a kitty...the fact remains that your basic beef cow is at its best when sizzling over charcoal. And while I'm not likely to support a crusade to exterminate crocs, cobras, or grizzly adams, I probably won't respond with biblical kindness should I find them holding a convention in my backyard. Heck, they had the same opportunity as humans did to invent gunpowder, yet they chose to remain on all fours and eschew technology. That's why they're called "dumb animals," I guess.

Of course, I'm the one who spent my weekend watching 50-year-old reruns, so I suppose there are other arguments that could be made.

Hmm.

Anyway, I didn't mean to get off on a tangent. I just find the topic of advertising demographics to be interesting. And if you allow yourself a little bit of intellectual gymkata, you might be able to shoehorn the subject into today's actual topic. You see, a review of my rather eclectic employment history would lead you to conclude that I might not fit very neatly in any particular target audience category.

Here's a summary of the paying jobs I've held, and a short note in parenthesis about how I got the gig.

• Lawn care technician, aka "mower pusher and weed puller" (Parents, neighbors)
• Magician (Friends, family)
  
• Paper boy (Boy Scout buddy)
• Swim Instructor (Wichita Swim Club)
  
• Lifeguard at Son of a Beach (School friend)
• Vacuum cleaner salesman (Ad in the paper)

• Pre-OSHA Assembly-line drone--Canning Coleman fuel (Swimming friend)
• Day laborer (Unsolicited application)
• Publications Aid--Beechcraft (Unsolicited resume application)
• Procedures Writer--Boeing (My former Scoutmaster)
• Retail camera salesman--Ardan (Unsolicited application)
• Fast food cashier/cook--McDonalds (Unsolicited application)

• Country-Western disc jockey--KICT FM (Insurance salesman)
• Procedures Engineer--Martin Marietta (Head hunter referral)
• Sports club desk clerk/lifeguard/swim coach--YMCA (Unsolicited application)
• Recreation District Swim Coach/lifeguard--Foothills (Recruited by Aquatics Director)
• Freelance typist/Computer consultant (Word of mouth referrals)
• Adult education instructor/Public speaker (Unsolicited application)
• Bestselling book author (Multiple swimming friends)
• Communications Manager--ITN (Swimming buddy)
  
• College and Special Programs instructor--Front Range Community College (Teaching buddy)
• Contract Writer/Editor (Swimming buddy)
• Proposal writer/editor--Lockheed (Swimming buddy)
• Communications Manager--ITN (Former coworker)

Hey, did you ever notice that Conway Twitty looks a lot like Meat Loaf? I'll have to talk to my conspiracy theorist friends about that.

Anyway, this was an interesting exercise. I'm pretty sure I've forgotten something I've done for money somewhere along the way. My memory isn't what it used to be.

I'm sure you were expecting to see "Tom Selleck Impersonator" and "Voice of Reason to Counteract Commie Pinko Propaganda" in the list, but unfortunately I've never earned a cent from those worthwhile activities. I've never made money from my ethereal singing voice or gnarly guitar shredding, either. Sigh.

The surprise for me was to see how many jobs I've obtained through a normal application process. I had it in my head that I had found nearly every job I'd had via heavy-duty networking...but in reality, this wasn't true. Sure, my highest paying and most rewarding jobs were the result of having contacts in the right places, but I got plenty of low-paying and menial jobs from the standard application process.

What does this say about me, my life, or my prospects of finding a new job quickly now that I'm about to be downsized? I have no idea. But if you know of anyone looking to hire a guy like me, please let me know. Otherwise, thanks for stopping by, and have a great day!