Progress

When I was in grade school it was commonly accepted that by the year 2000, we would all have flying cars, robot servants, and handy nutrition capsules that would obviate the need for the tiresome chore of eating actual food.

I personally thought that there would also be world peace, racial harmony, and holy shrines in every city where Blue Öyster Cult had played -- but not everyone agreed with me on those points.

Flying cars, though? Absolutely!

Hmm. I guess we didn't quite fulfill all those promises. Yet. But there have been amazing technological advances. We have online shoe shopping, ubiquitous mobile communicators (though they still don't make that cool tribble noise like Cap'n Kirk's did when he flipped it open to call Scotty for help), and the ability to summon up every movie, book, or song ever made about Godzilla...with a few mere taps upon your computer keyboard. Amazing stuff.

So why the heck haven't they figured out how to put new products into packages that can actually be opened by humans?

Oh, sure, I'd expect to need tools to help me open up a pallette full of Mars Rover parts, or perhaps a well-cusioned crate of fragile Deinonychus fossils. But a toothbrush? A toothbrush?

I want to make it clear that I'm not complaining about receiving a free brush from my dentist. While it's probably not adequate compensation for suffering through having my teeth cleaned with dungeonmaster-approved torture devices, I am certainly happy to have it. But without tools, I couldn't open the stupid package!

Oh, I'm sure that every dental hygienist in the world carries a variety of knives and other sharp tools on their person at all times. But when it came time for me to open the package to refresh my mouth with a visit from my sparkly-clean new toothbrush, I discovered that I couldn't break into the darn thing.

I tried flexing and twisting the package, looking for an edge to peel, and even an ill-advised fingernail jab into the cardboard backing. Alas, though, it appeared that access would only be granted to folks who keep a chainsaw in their medicine cabinet.

Haven't they ever heard of "perforation"? Or perhaps an unglued corner with a "pull here to open" decal on it? Or maybe, just maybe, they could join the growing group of companies who recognize just how deeply and passionately their customers HATE that indestructible encapsulation plastic. What's wrong with a nice little baggie?

Oh well. I suppose in the future when we all have robo-housekeepers, we can just order those metallic domestics to use their R2D2 extensible sawblades to deal with egregious packaging. Until then, though, I guess I need to keep a pair of metal shears in the bathroom next to the talcum powder and Brylcreem. I feel more like a caveman than a Jetson. Sigh.

How about you? What inventions were you expecting to see when you arrived in 2013? What certainties did you hold as a child that remain unrealized? DeLorean time machines? Reese's peanut butter pizza? A Macauley Culkin remake of "It's a Wonderful Life?"

Let me know. In the meantime, we'll each do whatever it takes to maintain proper oral hygiene, right? Have a great day!