100°

Once in a while, I'll call an 800 number to talk with tech support, get banking information, or order the latest miracle from Ron Popeil...and the "friendly" support person always wants to make small talk while they're waiting for their supervisor to come up with the answer to my "unusual" question. (Personally, I think the customer service agent should be able to come up with a list containing my latest transactions without having to huddle with coworkers...but that's just me.) The funniest one was a guy in India who asked who my favorite actor was -- and then told me that his favorite star was John Wayne.

Seriously, this dude from halfway around the world wanted to talk about John Wayne; an example of international customer service bonding at its finest. Anyway, no matter who I call, they inevitably ask where I'm phoning from, and when I tell them Denver, they ask how the weather is.

Well, to be quite honest, it's nasty freakin' hot. But people outside of Colorado have trouble believing that. They associate Denver with skiing and snow and wagon trains where people freeze solid and then get eaten by their cannibal cousins. The rest of the world has no idea that during the summer, we're pretty much like Phoenix -- only with fewer backyard pools and smelly old people.

OK, that's not really true; we're really not as ugly-hot as that. Phoenix is hot enough to melt you like you opened up the Lost Ark...but Denver is plenty toasty right now, let me tell you. In fact, this week we have broken the record for consecutive days above 90°, and tied a single day temperature record with the heat at 104°. (The previous record was in 1905 -- they have proven conclusively that the heatwave back then was totally due to the 12 automobiles that existed in the country and their blatant and irresponsible disregard for their carbon footprint. The dirtbags!)

Anyway, the heat this week has made exercising outdoors a tad more challenging. Swimming in the lake is pleasant enough, but the mosquitos seem to have thrived in the heat and have set up ambush points all around the pond. As long as you're actually in the water, you're OK, but as soon as you get out, it's malaria time! I hate mosquitos.

But the biting flies in Waterton canyon are just about as bad. I went for a short run on Thursday night, and felt like I had a big "USDA Choice" stamp across my forehead; the bugs were feasting on me. They don't leave an itchy bump like the skeeters do, but the bites themselves are much more annoying.

My theory is that Nature loves me -- I am just such a sweet person that I am irresistably tasty. Of course, others have theorized that I wouldn't be as attractive to the flying vermin if my personal hygiene was of higher quality. Whichever is the case, I was swatting and yelping and cursing as I jogged, making mental notes to vote for whichever politicians promise to slather the Colorado wilderness with saturation bombing of insecticides.

Or maybe I'll just get one of those sexy beekeeper suits and learn how to run in it. Hats with mesh on them are pretty fashionable right now, aren't they?

Somehow, though, I survived. Not only did I live through the attacks by the vicious airborne pirahna, but I also managed to maintain verticality through the stifling evening heat. I thought I was king stud of the world for being such a macho athlete and hardcore combatant for humanity, going mano a mano vs. Nature at her worst! I ran three miles under these conditions, sloshing through shoe-soaking puddles of my own manly sweat! That's an accomplishment worth bragging about.

Or at least that's what I thought -- until I heard one of the swimmers casually talking about running 12 miles in that same heat. And she didn't mention the bugs at all.

Sigh.

Oh well, I guess I can always try again later, right? In the meantime, don't forget the insect repellant, and have a great day!